Rounded Edges

Can I just get the exciting news out there first? I have lost 21 pounds of myself! I love it. This summer was fantastic for building a habit and desire to work out. Now, in all honesty I haven't worked out as vigorously for a bit due to my new job and life transitions and what not. But here's the beauty, the desire is still there! And, I've decided that gym membership is worth it to me to invest in! So, when finances stabilize you will be hearing more about the gym from moi. I look forward to experiencing the transformation from non athlete to athletic. I could be an athlete!

I am however at a school that has already warned me of the 40 or so pounds I may gain from working there. 40 pounds! Not for this lady. I'm so appreciative that I'm in a room with a man that has lost 100 pounds and is committed to keeping it off, so he often doesn't participate in the gluten feast. I know I need the will power myself but it sure does help when there's a walking testimony right beside you.

So there's the long and short of it. I know it's not much but it's what I've got.

Inspiration to lose weight today: I want to look better in candid shoots that get the profile view. I hate that rounded look everywhere on my face right now.  

"We Are Here. We Are Here."

Horton Hears A Who anyone?? Well, I just wanted to pop in and let you know, I am here! I'm plugging away at this healthier living stuff and am actually coming to enjoy it. Success is on the way my friends. For now though I will have to wait to tell you of all the success I'm currently having as my computer is broken. Like sick for realsies. So until I get it fixed which could be awhile, sadness, I'll be remaining MIA. Know that I am "doin' the THANG" even in my absence from the blog world. Hope you are well and that your very on journey is full of sucesses!

~choi~ angielee

Self Control or a Lack Thereof

Have you seen that episode of Gilmore Girls where Lane runs her hand through the guys hair before she realizes what she's doing? Self control out the door and acting from a point of desire. I've also experienced times like that, not just when I was a teenager like Lane but also as an adult. Recently I was telling some friends of the self control I have to have when around a certain someone. There are times when I want to run my fingers through his hair or scratch his back, or hold his hand. Thank God for self control that stops my hand from doing those things my mind reaches out to do. Likewise, there are times that I want to run down the hall, though I just told a first grader to walk. Times when I want to jump up and hit dangling things though I warn students not to. Self control, it is a glorious thing!

I had to get a physical yesterday for a job I'll have this summer. All of those thoughts I'd been having about weight, body issues, and what not were all filtered into one number that balanced on the scale. I heard it aloud, I saw it with my eyes, I touched those numbers. It became very real. I had a complete lack of self control. I so often say I have no self control, frustrated that I cannot attain my goals for lack of commitment. But here's what I'm seeing. Clearly I do have self control. I've chosen not to use it in this area. Not once have I pulled a Lane and allowed my hand to do what my mind restrained. Not once, while at school have I run the halls during a school day. I have the ability to practice self control. I can see the fruit of that. I'm not known as the crazy girl who randomly plays with the hair of men. I'm not the crazy teacher who runs around jumping and slapping things. I've practiced self control.

So, now, after having a slap in the face by numbers, I will be more intentional with using that self control God in His mercy lavished upon me. I CAN do this.

Are you a vegetarian?

So a few months ago my dad made a roast. It was super yummy until it wasn't super yummy. What made it lose its yumminess?

Well, clearly I know that meat comes from an animal. There is no meat tree out there. It's one thing to know it and another to see it. Mid way through chowing down on this "yummy" roast I saw something a meat eater shouldn't see. I saw a tube, a vien, a vessle, an artery. So, with the investigative mind that I have I cut around it and pulled it out. GROSS. Then I cut through it. GROSSER. And still caked  in it was the animal's blood. GROSSEST! That ended my debate over eating read meat. Check. Done. Finito.

I have generally said I would be a vegetarian were it not for bacon. I love bacon. It's disgusting to some I know, but I just can't get enough of it, well, until now. You see, Friday I subbed at a school that was having a pig roast. Cool enough I thought. But when I walked in I didn't expect to see a litral roasted pig, butterflied out on a table with a man with tongs just pulling meat out of the carcass. My stomach churns even now to think of it. So, now that I've seen that, I'm over pork including bacon. Check. Done. Finito.

I recently saw a short documentry on the making of chicken nuggets. Not that I was ever a major fan of them, but I definitely won't be eating them again. I haven't yet seen anything that completely deters me from eating chicken or fish, but I'm sure in time I will. I have seen a poster about eggs that has me a little hesitant to eat another one.

What about you? Any incidents or sightings that set you over the edge? How hard do you find it to be a vegetarian and are you doing this on a budget?

Share your thoughts here!

A Little Too Personal

I have a friend who has committed herself to calling me and being active with me. LOVE IT! So over the weekend we played a little tennis and went on an unintentional 3-4 mile walk. I'll be honest and say she was pretty BOSS at tennis and I didn't have to run all that much. I however, made her run all over the place, because well... I don't play tennis.

I suppose she got "payback" the next day when she suggested going for a walk at one of my FAVE parks. I started with the thought that it would be a nice walk. I was going to spend mother's day with the fam afterwards so I wore a cotton dress and my flops. When I said walk I meant, a lazy fun walk around the beach kind of walk. Ev however was being quiet ambitious.

I used to run at this park, years ago, but many things had changed so when Ev thought it would be just as quick to go around instead of turning around I agreed. MISTAKE! 1 hour later, 3 1/2 miles in a dress and flops, my thighs were aching. Though I jokingly kept walking as though I had ridden a horse, my thighs stung from the continuous rubbing.

Oh dear ones. Revenge was Ev's cause my thighs were flaming! I mean take a cool bath to cool them down flaming. I mean take an Aleve to ease my pain flaming. I mean wear biker shorts so my legs won't touch flaming. Today, 3 days later, the flaming sensation is gone and the bike shorts are away.

Reason number 486 why letting go of my extra baggage is genius! 

The Gathering

I've received, since writing my "Angielee Uncut" blog, 3 specific emails that have addressed my words and insecurities. Each mentioned in one way or another the beauty they each saw in me and how they never noticed my weight. While I so appreciated their words of kindness, I couldn't quite believe that they didn't notice. That they never took it into consideration. Maybe, because it's so glaring to me, one of those can't see the forest despite the trees scenarios.

Though this bulge erks me, I think I let their words give me a rest, some soothing. I think I let it cut the edge off my frustrations a bit. For better or for worse I began to think, oh maybe it's not such a big deal. Oh, maybe I'll own my "curves" as one friend called what I know as rolls. I of course want to live a healthy lifestyle but maybe I can learn to be comfortable like this.

Nope. Today, was another tantrum in clothing and the longing to just be able to throw something on and go. I'm beginning to despise every article of clothing I own. None the less, there is still a life to live with a body that needs to be fully clothed so I pushed myself into some khaki shorts and a long sleeve lose fitting shirt. I could still see the rolls I so hate so I layered a jean jacket over with a scarf that might distract from my non- pregnant tummy.

For all the layering, while I was out at recess duty I over heard a student on the swings say "Oh, you're gonna get in trouble the fat lady's looking." As I was not looking the other student said "No she's not." As I looked back the other student said, "Now she is." With every exchange of dialogue between these kids my heart broke a little bit more. 1) it bothered me that though they knew my name they called me "the fat lady." 2) it bothered me that I immediately knew they were talking of me 3) it bothered me that there wasn't a question for the other student of who the fat lady was 4) it bothered me that I had to hear it all and have confirmed in my every glance their way that they were talking about me.

Ugh. So, I know kids are kids and blah, blah, blah but it doesn't mean their little voices don't carry a big punch. I presume this is just another thing to gather on the list of why enough is enough and the weight HAS to go.

Praying that one day my "name" will change from The Fat Lady to Miss Lee but until that day can I just rock out to this?

Get Me Bodied Gone G for the kiddies

Did you hear about Beyonce's new song to promote movement in young people? She's a fave of mine to work out to already. Now that she's jumped on the Michelle Obama band wagon, there's no stopping her!

Here it is for your work out pleasure :)

For my teacher friends, how fun would it be to teach your kiddos this!? I mean it comes with choreography and everything. ;)

Awk- ward.

Ummm.... soooo..... hey.

Is it ever awkward for you to come back to someone you've just spilled all your beans to? To have a conversation with them again, like a normal person and not the rantings of a lunatic? I'm there today.

So yesterday I just kind of released all of those pint up frustrations and today in the light of day I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about it. A bit of a tantrum. It would be easy to go and delete that post, pretend it never happened. But the truth is it did and that is reality. It's my reality right now. So, for all that crazy, I want to let you know I am not always a whole lot-o-crazy. There are just moments. Moments of weakness that cause a person to shoot of at the mouth (or fingers) for the entire public world to read. Oh what that doesn't happen to you? You have self control enough to tell a few close friends or write it in a journal? Options I must remember for next time I'm frustrated and needing to vent. :)

None the less, to let you know that I am in a better happier place today I wanted to point you on over to my other little space, Life Under Grace, where I told of the thrilling adventure I had today!

Have a great one and please don't let my crazies keep you away.  ;)

Little Breaking Points

EEERRRGGG. I hate being FAT! I hate it. There are so many thoughts that consume my mind because I am fat. To wear shorts this beautiful day or not? Am I ready for that guy I like to see my legs in the context of shorts rather than skirts. Skirts do such a good job at concealing things and making me feel pretty and dainty. Dainty? HA!

I hate determining sitting situations based on multiple factors. Will that rickety chair hold my bulge? Will my massive a** permanently dent that antique couch? Is that couch too low that I will roll around trying to get up? When that person snaps pictures will I be slouched over, shoveling my face or is there a spot where I can sit up straight and shovel? Will those chair arms dig into my thighs? Then, wherever I do sit, will that guy sit next to me or across from me. Though I would love to have him sit next to me, I don't want him staring at my neck of a chin. Double is gone! It's all one. AHHHH!!!!!!! I want to be able to sit, stand, heck not care where I sit because it doesn't matter. I don't want my weight to even be a factor.

I want to be able to look at a picture and not cringe at how lost I look in my own body, at how incredibly uncomfortable I look. I fear someone will snap a picture while laughing, which I usually think is so cute, those candids, but my face always looks like my eyes have been engulfed by the creeping fat cheeks and large head!

I hate having to throw clothes all over the floor to find something to wear that I feel comfortable and pretty in. Then for all that work, only end up tugging, twisting, and adjusting just to present myself as not a fat slob! I hate that dye got on the 1 pair of khakis I like that are ripped in the back because I'm clearly too big for them but I like the way they fit everywhere else. I hate even more that I will find some home remedy to get the dye out of my ripped, button hanging on for dear life khakis because I'm also too poor to just go out and get another pair Nor, do I delight in shopping for a pair of pants that fit because well, for as progressive of a society as we claim to be, the young fat woman searching for pants that don't show her crack but also don't come up to her boobs, or make her hips 10x bigger than they actually are, has a hard time finding these things in one pair of pants efficiently!

What I really hate most is that I think I'm pretty great, minus the whole fat thing, but when it comes to efore mentioned guy or any guy I'm confident nothing could ever be, because well I'm me and Me is fat. And today, for me, that is not beautiful.

Maybe one day I'll sing this song and believe it.

Over Indulgence and Port-a-potties {Yep, I went there}

Today I refused to drive behind a truck filled with Port-A-Potties. I also refused to follow a pick up truck that had a chain around it's bed that looked to be holding the bed to the cab. In this rickety bed were old, massive, car parts that were coated with thick black oil. In both of these instances (within 30 minutes of each other mind you) I imagined the trucks losing their stability and the contents rushing behind them onto the poor cars trailing. I would not be one of those poor cars. I saw the potential danger that lurked and stayed to the side.

Likewise, I turned down a cupcake today. I was honest with the student in telling them I was trying to lose weight. I feel like that takes the sting off of rejecting a child's treats. It's not personal it's business. Now, to train myself to see my over indulgences as trucks with port-a-potties and thick black oil. Those things I need to just speed on past with out giving another look or smell.
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I'm thinking about signing up for this. It's a cause I deeply care about and will get me off the couch to a 5k. I could finally say I ran a 5k. It would also put me one step closer to number 18.

People Are Reading

Wait, what? People are reading this? AHHHHHHH!

It's always a fascinating thing to me when people find my corners here in blog land and stick around to read. It's even more fascinating to me here at Hephzibah. I'm a bit self judgmental when it comes to this site; thinking gewwww why would anyone want to read this. The failures of a fat girl. Damn that Debbie Downer lurking in me!

I haven't written in a while for that very reason. What's the point, nobody cares about my "weight loss or gain" journey, I'm not sure that I actually care enough to write about it. But then I logged in. I logged in and saw that I had 8 readers. 8! $8.00 not much. 8 books read in a lifetime, not that impressive. But 8 readers to this, my scarce postings of the rocky beginnings of weight loss, that's a big deal!

So thank you, my dear 8 readers or you 1 reader that came back 8 times. You have motivated me again, to write, to be serious about this thing I'm serious about doing. So, Monday the 11th starts a new day, one committed to letting you know how I'm doing in this life changing event, the good, the bad, and the ugly.


So here starts some good news:
1) I bypassed chocolate cake yesterday and let me tell you it looked delish!
2) I took a walk today. (One step at a time friends, one step at a time)
3) At a favorite burrito shop I went for a vegetarian salad instead.

Thank You!

Worth A Laugh Now

So remember when I told you I was going to start in with taking Apple Cider Vinegar? Well I did, and the combo of cinnamon and vinegar seemingly burned my throat. I've been sucking on cough drops ever since  to sooth my aching. Oh sabotage.

But with every slight moment of defeat is also victory. I received some disappointing news the other day and I have to tell you my moment of victory- I went for a bike ride instead of shoveling my face full of these though they were on my list of things to make for friends. That's huge! It's the little things at this point.

FYI- figuring out some realistic goals for myself and my comfort level with sharing the niddy griddy of it all with you. Updates to come!

An Apple A Day...

Ask any friend of mine and they will tell you I love savory. I would take something savory over something sweet. Yes, I would rather have a yummy bowl of macaroni and cheese than a cupcake. I also kind of love the idea of being a vegetarian (minus fish and chicken but I don't know what that's called).

Wouldn't you know the week I choose to change is the week I all of a sudden am craving little chocolate chips out the wazoo and don't even get me started on the roast my dad made! AHHHH! I hate when that happens. You know... you finally decide to make a change and then low and behold your plan falls apart at the start.

But I will not be deterred! I don't know if you've heard but apparently cinnamon is an appetite suppressant along with apple cider vinegar. Guess what my pantry is stocked with? Yea, I'm going there.

Have you heard about this guy? Thoughts?

That Skinny Chic

Hmmm.... to make this public or not, that is the question. Just today I had 3 people ask me about my blogs, where I then felt obligated to mention this new little girl. When I had the brilliant idea to begin this very public yet very personal blog, I thought it would be great to have accountability globally. Today, just 3 days later, that thought seems a bit more intimidating.

I didn't work out yesterday, day 4 of this change, I instead went to church, out to eat at Chevy's(DISAPPOINTING!), helped a friend rearrange and organize her classroom, out to eat at Fitz's (delicious Turkey burger), and to a birthday party where me and a cupcake duked it out for awhile and I finally gave in to one bite, throwing the rest in the trash. No seriously I did! Wasteful? Yes. Empowering? Absolutely. I have a love relationship with cupcakes. My own personal cake, individual icing, and precious wrapping. It's like a birthday party with every one. But I instead had a taste and though it was not bad, I had the mind to reason with myself that it wasn't good enough for the inch it would add to my belly. That's victory right?

Then today I had the choice to work out or not, I of course chose not. I mean after a day of wrestling an angry, morbidly obese, autistic student to get any work done, it was like I had done a 7 hour circuit training. Then out to eat AGAIN at Qdoba- a grilled veggie burrito, no cheese or sour cream, guacamole, and a water. Maybe not the best choice I could have made but at least there was thought involved in it and I chose a healthier option, just not the healthiest.

So this is the question. Are these the things I really want the world and friends to read about me in my journey to lose weight? Do I really want to expose myself to that voluntarily? Instinctively my inner fat girl yells "Oh hell NO" but then my inner skinny chic who lost her voice years ago does her sweet little sign language that I don't always understand or bother to read but today I did and she said RISK IT.

That skinny chic, she's a fighter and hasn't given out hope yet that someday her voice will return. She's the more inspirational of the 2, though fat girl has her manipulating ways. Nonetheless, I kind of want to listen to that skinny chic and risk it. Risk the possible embarrassment of failures, the harsh words of criticism, the awkwardness of honesty. Because somewhere deep inside I do know that anything worth doing is a risk but there is also potential for huge gain and not on my dairyair. I could be truly supported and understood. I could help someone along in their own life challenges. I could be encouraged. I could actually gain the will to do this and stop dreaming of my "if onlys."

So... into public ridicule or encouragement I come.

First topic, can we consider it working out if I rearrange furniture and clean for 2 hours? What about wrestling an 8 year old? What about test riding a bike in 2 small figure 8's? Hmmmm... I think I know the answers here.

No Longer Azubah

"You shall no more be termed Forsaken (Azubah), and your land termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is In Her (Hephzibah), and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married."

I for too long have not seen myself as He has created me, something lovely, something to be desired, someone to be delighted in. I have allowed myself to be held back, to feel unlovable, and useless because of my weight. But I'm coming to terms with me and making changes. Necessary, healthy, good, changes.

This is my journey. Not just my journey of weight loss but my journey of finding peace in His delight of Me.

Here's the picture that sent me to reality, seeing the need for change.

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So here I am day one of working out. I walked for an hour in the rain and did 20 mins of Pilate's. I felt good the whole time and even missed the days when I would run in the rain years ago. I'll get back there someday, but for now a nice walk was good enough. And I'm just saying, Pilate's kicked my butt! Not just stretching and peace talks over here!

Day two because of snow in late march I did Jillian's 30 Day Shred. Not gonna lie, I HATE jumping jacks and I HATE even more that she refuses to modify them. I was hesitant to start but once I did it was fine. I'm finding the things I could easily do before have become much harder. BOOOO! I'm trying to remember this is a process. But man do I hate processes!