EEERRRGGG. I hate being FAT! I hate it. There are so many thoughts that consume my mind because I am fat. To wear shorts this beautiful day or not? Am I ready for that guy I like to see my legs in the context of shorts rather than skirts. Skirts do such a good job at concealing things and making me feel pretty and dainty. Dainty? HA!
I hate determining sitting situations based on multiple factors. Will that rickety chair hold my bulge? Will my massive a** permanently dent that antique couch? Is that couch too low that I will roll around trying to get up? When that person snaps pictures will I be slouched over, shoveling my face or is there a spot where I can sit up straight and shovel? Will those chair arms dig into my thighs? Then, wherever I do sit, will that guy sit next to me or across from me. Though I would love to have him sit next to me, I don't want him staring at my neck of a chin. Double is gone! It's all one. AHHHH!!!!!!! I want to be able to sit, stand, heck not care where I sit because it doesn't matter. I don't want my weight to even be a factor.
I want to be able to look at a picture and not cringe at how lost I look in my own body, at how incredibly uncomfortable I look. I fear someone will snap a picture while laughing, which I usually think is so cute, those candids, but my face always looks like my eyes have been engulfed by the creeping fat cheeks and large head!
I hate having to throw clothes all over the floor to find something to wear that I feel comfortable and pretty in. Then for all that work, only end up tugging, twisting, and adjusting just to present myself as not a fat slob! I hate that dye got on the 1 pair of khakis I like that are ripped in the back because I'm clearly too big for them but I like the way they fit everywhere else. I hate even more that I will find some home remedy to get the dye out of my ripped, button hanging on for dear life khakis because I'm also too poor to just go out and get another pair Nor, do I delight in shopping for a pair of pants that fit because well, for as progressive of a society as we claim to be, the young fat woman searching for pants that don't show her crack but also don't come up to her boobs, or make her hips 10x bigger than they actually are, has a hard time finding these things in one pair of pants efficiently!
What I really hate most is that I think I'm pretty great, minus the whole fat thing, but when it comes to efore mentioned guy or any guy I'm confident nothing could ever be, because well I'm me and Me is fat. And today, for me, that is not beautiful.
Maybe one day I'll sing this song and believe it.
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