Little Breaking Points

EEERRRGGG. I hate being FAT! I hate it. There are so many thoughts that consume my mind because I am fat. To wear shorts this beautiful day or not? Am I ready for that guy I like to see my legs in the context of shorts rather than skirts. Skirts do such a good job at concealing things and making me feel pretty and dainty. Dainty? HA!

I hate determining sitting situations based on multiple factors. Will that rickety chair hold my bulge? Will my massive a** permanently dent that antique couch? Is that couch too low that I will roll around trying to get up? When that person snaps pictures will I be slouched over, shoveling my face or is there a spot where I can sit up straight and shovel? Will those chair arms dig into my thighs? Then, wherever I do sit, will that guy sit next to me or across from me. Though I would love to have him sit next to me, I don't want him staring at my neck of a chin. Double is gone! It's all one. AHHHH!!!!!!! I want to be able to sit, stand, heck not care where I sit because it doesn't matter. I don't want my weight to even be a factor.

I want to be able to look at a picture and not cringe at how lost I look in my own body, at how incredibly uncomfortable I look. I fear someone will snap a picture while laughing, which I usually think is so cute, those candids, but my face always looks like my eyes have been engulfed by the creeping fat cheeks and large head!

I hate having to throw clothes all over the floor to find something to wear that I feel comfortable and pretty in. Then for all that work, only end up tugging, twisting, and adjusting just to present myself as not a fat slob! I hate that dye got on the 1 pair of khakis I like that are ripped in the back because I'm clearly too big for them but I like the way they fit everywhere else. I hate even more that I will find some home remedy to get the dye out of my ripped, button hanging on for dear life khakis because I'm also too poor to just go out and get another pair Nor, do I delight in shopping for a pair of pants that fit because well, for as progressive of a society as we claim to be, the young fat woman searching for pants that don't show her crack but also don't come up to her boobs, or make her hips 10x bigger than they actually are, has a hard time finding these things in one pair of pants efficiently!

What I really hate most is that I think I'm pretty great, minus the whole fat thing, but when it comes to efore mentioned guy or any guy I'm confident nothing could ever be, because well I'm me and Me is fat. And today, for me, that is not beautiful.

Maybe one day I'll sing this song and believe it.

Over Indulgence and Port-a-potties {Yep, I went there}

Today I refused to drive behind a truck filled with Port-A-Potties. I also refused to follow a pick up truck that had a chain around it's bed that looked to be holding the bed to the cab. In this rickety bed were old, massive, car parts that were coated with thick black oil. In both of these instances (within 30 minutes of each other mind you) I imagined the trucks losing their stability and the contents rushing behind them onto the poor cars trailing. I would not be one of those poor cars. I saw the potential danger that lurked and stayed to the side.

Likewise, I turned down a cupcake today. I was honest with the student in telling them I was trying to lose weight. I feel like that takes the sting off of rejecting a child's treats. It's not personal it's business. Now, to train myself to see my over indulgences as trucks with port-a-potties and thick black oil. Those things I need to just speed on past with out giving another look or smell.
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I'm thinking about signing up for this. It's a cause I deeply care about and will get me off the couch to a 5k. I could finally say I ran a 5k. It would also put me one step closer to number 18.

People Are Reading

Wait, what? People are reading this? AHHHHHHH!

It's always a fascinating thing to me when people find my corners here in blog land and stick around to read. It's even more fascinating to me here at Hephzibah. I'm a bit self judgmental when it comes to this site; thinking gewwww why would anyone want to read this. The failures of a fat girl. Damn that Debbie Downer lurking in me!

I haven't written in a while for that very reason. What's the point, nobody cares about my "weight loss or gain" journey, I'm not sure that I actually care enough to write about it. But then I logged in. I logged in and saw that I had 8 readers. 8! $8.00 not much. 8 books read in a lifetime, not that impressive. But 8 readers to this, my scarce postings of the rocky beginnings of weight loss, that's a big deal!

So thank you, my dear 8 readers or you 1 reader that came back 8 times. You have motivated me again, to write, to be serious about this thing I'm serious about doing. So, Monday the 11th starts a new day, one committed to letting you know how I'm doing in this life changing event, the good, the bad, and the ugly.


So here starts some good news:
1) I bypassed chocolate cake yesterday and let me tell you it looked delish!
2) I took a walk today. (One step at a time friends, one step at a time)
3) At a favorite burrito shop I went for a vegetarian salad instead.

Thank You!

Worth A Laugh Now

So remember when I told you I was going to start in with taking Apple Cider Vinegar? Well I did, and the combo of cinnamon and vinegar seemingly burned my throat. I've been sucking on cough drops ever since  to sooth my aching. Oh sabotage.

But with every slight moment of defeat is also victory. I received some disappointing news the other day and I have to tell you my moment of victory- I went for a bike ride instead of shoveling my face full of these though they were on my list of things to make for friends. That's huge! It's the little things at this point.

FYI- figuring out some realistic goals for myself and my comfort level with sharing the niddy griddy of it all with you. Updates to come!