What underwear am I wearing?

I don't have time to write it all now but today I went hiking with a group of 12 and I was the one lagging in the back, weezing, people checking on me to see if I was ok. Mentally I was fine, thinking of myself as some fit woman who is more active than other people. Physically I was a mess. Today my mental image of myself met the reality of myself and it was difficult.  The path was a challenging course but the others trudged through it just fine ( and by just fine I mean they were panting and tired) while I was literally thinking at one point if I have a heart attack on this hill how will they carry me to help. Will all of them gird me up and carry me back down the hill? How mortifying! What underwear am I wearing just in case something has to be done to save my life in the ambulance? Literal questions that passed through my mind.

These are not the questions I want to be racing through my mind while in the midst of such beautiful nature. So, though I nearly died, I didn't! I climbed. I fought my inate desire to give up. To go back down the hill. I made it. Reality bit me today. Not in the skin breaking gushing blood kind of way. But in a gentle "love bite", if such a thing exists, kind of way.

So it was a wake up call instead of a wake up punch in the gut. It was a blow to my pride, but often I need that.

Rounded Edges

Can I just get the exciting news out there first? I have lost 21 pounds of myself! I love it. This summer was fantastic for building a habit and desire to work out. Now, in all honesty I haven't worked out as vigorously for a bit due to my new job and life transitions and what not. But here's the beauty, the desire is still there! And, I've decided that gym membership is worth it to me to invest in! So, when finances stabilize you will be hearing more about the gym from moi. I look forward to experiencing the transformation from non athlete to athletic. I could be an athlete!

I am however at a school that has already warned me of the 40 or so pounds I may gain from working there. 40 pounds! Not for this lady. I'm so appreciative that I'm in a room with a man that has lost 100 pounds and is committed to keeping it off, so he often doesn't participate in the gluten feast. I know I need the will power myself but it sure does help when there's a walking testimony right beside you.

So there's the long and short of it. I know it's not much but it's what I've got.

Inspiration to lose weight today: I want to look better in candid shoots that get the profile view. I hate that rounded look everywhere on my face right now.  

"We Are Here. We Are Here."

Horton Hears A Who anyone?? Well, I just wanted to pop in and let you know, I am here! I'm plugging away at this healthier living stuff and am actually coming to enjoy it. Success is on the way my friends. For now though I will have to wait to tell you of all the success I'm currently having as my computer is broken. Like sick for realsies. So until I get it fixed which could be awhile, sadness, I'll be remaining MIA. Know that I am "doin' the THANG" even in my absence from the blog world. Hope you are well and that your very on journey is full of sucesses!

~choi~ angielee

Self Control or a Lack Thereof

Have you seen that episode of Gilmore Girls where Lane runs her hand through the guys hair before she realizes what she's doing? Self control out the door and acting from a point of desire. I've also experienced times like that, not just when I was a teenager like Lane but also as an adult. Recently I was telling some friends of the self control I have to have when around a certain someone. There are times when I want to run my fingers through his hair or scratch his back, or hold his hand. Thank God for self control that stops my hand from doing those things my mind reaches out to do. Likewise, there are times that I want to run down the hall, though I just told a first grader to walk. Times when I want to jump up and hit dangling things though I warn students not to. Self control, it is a glorious thing!

I had to get a physical yesterday for a job I'll have this summer. All of those thoughts I'd been having about weight, body issues, and what not were all filtered into one number that balanced on the scale. I heard it aloud, I saw it with my eyes, I touched those numbers. It became very real. I had a complete lack of self control. I so often say I have no self control, frustrated that I cannot attain my goals for lack of commitment. But here's what I'm seeing. Clearly I do have self control. I've chosen not to use it in this area. Not once have I pulled a Lane and allowed my hand to do what my mind restrained. Not once, while at school have I run the halls during a school day. I have the ability to practice self control. I can see the fruit of that. I'm not known as the crazy girl who randomly plays with the hair of men. I'm not the crazy teacher who runs around jumping and slapping things. I've practiced self control.

So, now, after having a slap in the face by numbers, I will be more intentional with using that self control God in His mercy lavished upon me. I CAN do this.

Are you a vegetarian?

So a few months ago my dad made a roast. It was super yummy until it wasn't super yummy. What made it lose its yumminess?

Well, clearly I know that meat comes from an animal. There is no meat tree out there. It's one thing to know it and another to see it. Mid way through chowing down on this "yummy" roast I saw something a meat eater shouldn't see. I saw a tube, a vien, a vessle, an artery. So, with the investigative mind that I have I cut around it and pulled it out. GROSS. Then I cut through it. GROSSER. And still caked  in it was the animal's blood. GROSSEST! That ended my debate over eating read meat. Check. Done. Finito.

I have generally said I would be a vegetarian were it not for bacon. I love bacon. It's disgusting to some I know, but I just can't get enough of it, well, until now. You see, Friday I subbed at a school that was having a pig roast. Cool enough I thought. But when I walked in I didn't expect to see a litral roasted pig, butterflied out on a table with a man with tongs just pulling meat out of the carcass. My stomach churns even now to think of it. So, now that I've seen that, I'm over pork including bacon. Check. Done. Finito.

I recently saw a short documentry on the making of chicken nuggets. Not that I was ever a major fan of them, but I definitely won't be eating them again. I haven't yet seen anything that completely deters me from eating chicken or fish, but I'm sure in time I will. I have seen a poster about eggs that has me a little hesitant to eat another one.

What about you? Any incidents or sightings that set you over the edge? How hard do you find it to be a vegetarian and are you doing this on a budget?

Share your thoughts here!

A Little Too Personal

I have a friend who has committed herself to calling me and being active with me. LOVE IT! So over the weekend we played a little tennis and went on an unintentional 3-4 mile walk. I'll be honest and say she was pretty BOSS at tennis and I didn't have to run all that much. I however, made her run all over the place, because well... I don't play tennis.

I suppose she got "payback" the next day when she suggested going for a walk at one of my FAVE parks. I started with the thought that it would be a nice walk. I was going to spend mother's day with the fam afterwards so I wore a cotton dress and my flops. When I said walk I meant, a lazy fun walk around the beach kind of walk. Ev however was being quiet ambitious.

I used to run at this park, years ago, but many things had changed so when Ev thought it would be just as quick to go around instead of turning around I agreed. MISTAKE! 1 hour later, 3 1/2 miles in a dress and flops, my thighs were aching. Though I jokingly kept walking as though I had ridden a horse, my thighs stung from the continuous rubbing.

Oh dear ones. Revenge was Ev's cause my thighs were flaming! I mean take a cool bath to cool them down flaming. I mean take an Aleve to ease my pain flaming. I mean wear biker shorts so my legs won't touch flaming. Today, 3 days later, the flaming sensation is gone and the bike shorts are away.

Reason number 486 why letting go of my extra baggage is genius! 

The Gathering

I've received, since writing my "Angielee Uncut" blog, 3 specific emails that have addressed my words and insecurities. Each mentioned in one way or another the beauty they each saw in me and how they never noticed my weight. While I so appreciated their words of kindness, I couldn't quite believe that they didn't notice. That they never took it into consideration. Maybe, because it's so glaring to me, one of those can't see the forest despite the trees scenarios.

Though this bulge erks me, I think I let their words give me a rest, some soothing. I think I let it cut the edge off my frustrations a bit. For better or for worse I began to think, oh maybe it's not such a big deal. Oh, maybe I'll own my "curves" as one friend called what I know as rolls. I of course want to live a healthy lifestyle but maybe I can learn to be comfortable like this.

Nope. Today, was another tantrum in clothing and the longing to just be able to throw something on and go. I'm beginning to despise every article of clothing I own. None the less, there is still a life to live with a body that needs to be fully clothed so I pushed myself into some khaki shorts and a long sleeve lose fitting shirt. I could still see the rolls I so hate so I layered a jean jacket over with a scarf that might distract from my non- pregnant tummy.

For all the layering, while I was out at recess duty I over heard a student on the swings say "Oh, you're gonna get in trouble the fat lady's looking." As I was not looking the other student said "No she's not." As I looked back the other student said, "Now she is." With every exchange of dialogue between these kids my heart broke a little bit more. 1) it bothered me that though they knew my name they called me "the fat lady." 2) it bothered me that I immediately knew they were talking of me 3) it bothered me that there wasn't a question for the other student of who the fat lady was 4) it bothered me that I had to hear it all and have confirmed in my every glance their way that they were talking about me.

Ugh. So, I know kids are kids and blah, blah, blah but it doesn't mean their little voices don't carry a big punch. I presume this is just another thing to gather on the list of why enough is enough and the weight HAS to go.

Praying that one day my "name" will change from The Fat Lady to Miss Lee but until that day can I just rock out to this?